My "our son is on porn" Rant

We found porn on our son's iPod - again.

Dad calls me with the intent on solving the son's porn problem.
...This is my plan. First, I'm going to confront him, take his iPod again and let him know it's wrong. Second, I'm setting up an appointment for him to go talk with the Bishop. And third, I'm finding a counselor for him to talk to by Monday....

Mom calls me a few minutes later with a broken heart.
... I've been searching the internet (listing various websites) and the first thing we're suppose to do is get him to a professional...

Isn't that what we do, dr rick?

 

My answer is one big fat NO! 

Not if you really want to help your son.

FIRST MYTH:  He's only 17 he can't to do this on his own. The Lord held him accountable at age 8. Its time you do the same.  He knows its wrong. Of course confront him... Obviously it is your house and you as parents have rights to have and enforce various rules. Certainly share your disappointment. Let him see your broken heart and tears -but not hysteria! -not doom and gloom! Take the iPod for now - you bought it anyway. Then very soon give the iPod back! There is NO way you can keep him away from explicit sexual content (aka: Porn) ... too many hot spots, too many devices, too many friends, too many tv channels, ... He will have to "grow into" staying away from it with desire, education, specific skills, and a miracle wouldn't hurt either.  He's not an idiot, psychotic, etc etc he can figure it out... when he's ready and has the right tools. Good grief he's valedictorian at the high school!  But for YOU to rush him off to a therapist before you even tried personal resources is absolutely stupid. It sends the message- You're inferior- you can't figure this out. You're only 17 and 17 year olds can't figure out things like this. What will help is love, patience and confidence --- "That he (your son) may know that thy faithfulness (in him-your son to overcome porn) is stronger than the cords of death" D&C 121:44 (See: You get what you faith for). Maybe start with something like this:

"Son, as your parents we have complete confidence in your ability to do hard things ....You can figure out how to control your sexual feelings and thoughts... What ideas do you have about dealing with this porn issue?... (Son: I don't know.)...That's fine lets kneel in prayer as a family and ask God to help you and we'll visit again about your ideas tomorrow..."

SECOND MYTH: Pornography is more powerful than what an "average" person can handle. Bologny! (Did I spell that right?)  There is another dangerous message sent by words like: "You can't do this on your own you need professional help!" This attributes way too much power to "Pornography" and way too little power to "God."  Porn "addiction" is a word we professionals came up with to describe a strong habit. Do you really think God is up in heaven saying "Oh my there's another one of my sons with a 'porn addiction.'" The word "Addiction" is not even in the scriptures! (I bet the word "addiction" doesn't even exist in the Heaven Edition of Wikipedia.) Don't you think if "Porn Addiction" was that unique and that powerful in and of itself, God would have given us specific guidance - more specific scripture perhaps like D & C 139: -Overcoming Porn Addiction  or something? The "Process" of addiction is all over the scriptures but referred to as "SIN." (See the addiction process: Pleasures of Sin; Successful Sinners; I Can't Stop. Help!; and Viewing Leads to Doing.)  Keep a gospel perspective.... TRUE-Porn addiction is a bad habit - a very powerful one .... when the "flesh/natural man" becomes enslaved to "appetites and passions" we have a problem.  (This process is as old as Adam and Eve.) If you react like it's the end of the world WHEN you find out your son has been looking at porn you are adding to the problem. Millions of youth and adults /men and women successfully manage their sexual thoughts and feelings every day. So can your son.  God is supreme, having power over ALL things including "porn addiction". No one or no force or happening can frustrate or prevent Him from accomplishing His designs. (See: D&C 3:1-3) Part of His design is your son's salvation! (See: Cosmically Competent)

 

CALM DOWN dr rick - take three deep breaths.

 

THIRD MYTH:  Professional counselors are miracle workers. Let me remind you, as a professional counselor we are NOT likely to get "personal revelation" about you or your loved one. You and your condition is NOT a matter of our personal prayers. We do NOT care as much as you care about you and your loved one. You're paying me remember. This is my "JOB".  We get tired of listening to problems all day long every day. We are humans to ... Sometimes at the end of the day we simply go through the motion ... and can't wait to get home to our families. Some of us are idiots. Some of us are going to make problems in your life worse. Some of us should have never been licensed in the first place. Some of us are useless and won't help you and won't hurt you. However, a few of us have a "gift" of healing and truly have a capacity to help.   Having said that, I believe 100% there is a time and place for visiting with a "good" professional... . We as mental health professionals can be one great resource for listening, encouraging, teaching specific skills like "Arousal Surfing" (Topic for another blog).... NEVER go to outside resources first --- See Counselitis. I've worked in and around treatment programs for 35 years. I've NEVER seen one program cure ONE addiction. EVER! We are ONE resource. We can teach skills, introduce you to other resources like a higher power, and we certainly offer encouragement and support.  The individual has to make the changes between their left and right ear. Treatment programs are only a resource...just a resource - one of several your son may have. We are imperfect in our profession-just like you are in yours. "Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost." (2 Nephi 28:31) Consider using "uncommon sense"  (it's not common anymore) when you deal with us, mental health professionals.

CALM DOWN dr rick -Use your resources. Go for a run.
 

FOURTH MYTH: You are way too young to be thinking about sex. I understand he just started dating a few months ago, but he started puberty 5 years ago... If you have forgotten, that means he has had the capacity for sexual arousal and feelings for FIVE YEARS!!!! (See: Puberty: The Second Fire). Sexual thoughts and feelings are NOT EVIL! God created them not Satan! (See: God's Love Chemicals).  My goodness... how soon you've forgotten your own early years of puberty.  You do NOT want to extinguish your son's sexual response, you want him to recognize this wonderful power and how to harness it.  Yes.... its past time for you to have several two-way discussions with your son about sex. Here are some ideas for discussions: God's Plan For Sex; Fifth Sunday And Another Lesson About Porn; You Can't Say That In A Chapel; etc etc

Blah Blah Blah

Okay I'm done.

I guess I'm suppose to tear this up delete this now that I got it all out, right?

This catharsis thing really works. :)
I feel a lot better, now.

dr rick
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