Three times just today I've counseled another individual to "SHUT UP!"
They each -a husband, a mother, and grandmother- shared their personal concern. I listened. We discussed a recipe for change. Each recipe contained an ingredient for them to "SHUT UP".
YOU "Shutting Up" from time-to-time, is necessary
to help ANOTHER person to improve.
(I often wonder how it is our culture picked up the myth- that the way you change another person is by talking to them.)
Why "bridle our tongue"? (James 1:26)
THEY'RE NOT AN IDIOT
Each of us have a "divine nature and identity" They're not idiots. They have a brain. They can figure things out.
My experience has been - When you repeat unsolicited advice and instructions (even if they are true) it usually delays, postpones, and hinders the very behavior you're trying to encourage. Typically when the recipient receives the same advice and instructions over and over again REGARDLESS of what your words are saying - They hear the message: "I can't do anything right." "I'm stupid." "I'll never figure this out by myself." "I'm not good enough." "You don't love me." etc etc .
And then what frequently happens?
YOU END UP DOING IT FOR THEM ANYWAY...
YOU MAKE THE PHONE CALL.
YOU CLEAN THEIR BEDROOM.
YOU GIVE THEM THE DETAIL PLAN ON "HOW TO"...
etc etc
And then what frequently happens?
YOU BECOME A NAG.
YOU'VE EFFECTIVELY REMOVED YOURSELF
AS A HEALTHY RESOURCE TO THAT PERSON.
(Frankly most of us don't want to be around a NAG.)
YOU FEEL SATISFIED. THAT YOU'VE DONE YOUR JOB.
YOU'VE "TOLD THEM SO".
They'll change when they're ready. (Just like you.) And usually they'll be ready quicker if you SHUT UP and explore alternative methods of communicating besides the use of CRITICAL or CONTROLING WORDS. (Also known as unrighteous dominion. “Unrighteous Dominion,” H. Burke Peterson, Ensign, July 1989.)
People go at their own pace to the Celestial Kingdom.
Let me say it this way, perhaps you already know exactly
.... how your son could get a job and be working by the end of the week.
.... how your wife could treat you to make a better marriage.
.... how your granddaughter could develop a stronger testimony.
... how your husband could be a better priesthood holder.
etc etc
And you tell them so- over and over and over and over and over and over, plus infinity - again.
That's not a healthy psychological way.
That's not the Lord's way.
Howard W. Hunter pointed out the Lord's approach to influencing others:
"God's chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, NOT by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess." (The Golden Thread of Choice, Ensign, November 1989, 18.)
If you want your loved one to continue to fall short of their potential... simply keep trying to talk sense into them -live their life for them; solve their problems; do it for them!!!! See: "You Get What You Faith For."
BUT WHAT IF IT IS THE TRUTH!
Fine. Have it your way. Say it.
However, remember the analogy we use to illustrate the consequence for telling someone "TRUTH":
"For the WORD of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than a two-edged sword, piercing...." (Heb. 4:12)
SO, ARE YOU READY FOR THE BLEEDING?
That's what sharp swords do - CUT.... both ways!
"Bleeding" occurs when the recipient of your "words of wisdom" becomes: angry, depressed, isolated, suicidal, etc etc.
Think about it. Some of the worst pains you and I have ever suffered have come from words our loved ones have said -cruel, angry, sarcastic, humiliating, etc etc words.
For example,
"A woman's words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people she loves to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone would ever have imagined ..." (Broken Things to Mend, Jeffrey R. Holland)
Of course the same is true for husbands.
POWER OF WORDS
Certainly one of the best illustrations of the power of WORDS come from when Joseph Smith was a prisoner. Remember the story? He rose to his feet and in a voice like "the roaring of a lion" said ...
Check it out in this 60 second video.
DOs AND DON'Ts
It's not the season to speak - criticize, reprove, give "constructive feedback" etc etc
... IF you or the person you or the recipient are angry, tired or hungry.
or
... IF your common sense or personal revelation tells you your relationship with the recipient isn't strong enough. (The relationship can't handle the bleeding.)
It is the season to speak
... IF you've received personal revelation to share such a message
or
... IF you've evaluated your personal relationship with the recipient and determined the relationship could successfully survive the "two edged sword".
or
... IF you do so in righteousness and with an increase of love.
If your only and primary method of influencing another to change is "words" you're using the least effective method I know. You will likely fail.
An ounce of "Shut-up" is worth a pound of "Sorry for saying that."
CHALLENGE
Initially silence may be uncomfortable to you and them. The more you have relied on words to get your point across over the years the more uneasy the silence will be. Some have equated silence with waste. This is far from truth. Out of silence is born opportunity for new behavior.
"Shut up" and know that He is God. (Psalms 46:10)
dr rick
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Very profound, Rick. Once words are out upon the air, there's no taking them back. You can "treat the wound" with apologies and kind followup, but there will always be a "scar" upon the soul of the wounded. Gram
ReplyDeleteBeen there, done that. BUT NOT ANYMORE. NO MORE ENABLING. Great article.
ReplyDelete