Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly.Letting go of a child, or any other loved-one, allowing them to experience consequences can be very difficult.
As a mental health professional people understanding and living by this concept alone would reduce my business by 1/2 - The other half would be reduced if the Internet disappeared. That’s right no codependence and no porn and I’d be looking for another job!
An individual becoming so preoccupied and worried about someone else’s salvation is a major contributor to emotional distress, like depression. For some reason this is a terribly difficult principle to teach-and to live. How to you teach an individual “the line” where nurturing and direction stops and agency and independence begins? And at what age and for what behavior?
These are very difficult questions for even the most competent person.
Jacob talks about his “firmness in the Spirit” being “shaken” and “stumbling” because “My over anxiety for you.” (Jacob 4:18) To me this suggests as Jacob was preaching to the wicked Nephites against sexual concerns he was aware of “the line” – on one side he was fulfilling his responsibility as a prophet and on the other side if not careful he could become so preoccupied and worried about (over anxiety) saving the Nephites he might jeopardize his own salvation! Typically, the side of the line seeking control is viewed dysfunctional and referred to as “Codependency.”
Codependency has a variety of characteristics. A couple of these characteristics include:
desire to control another and placing a lower priority on one's own needs,
while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Typically, attempts
to control or force another person builds resentment and conveys mistrust and
makes the other person feel incompetent. Codependency affects an individual's ability to
have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship and prevents the other person
from developing self-reliance and self-confidence.
Here’s a quick example. Recently, parents disclosed
they found their very young children engaged in some inappropriate sexual play while
bathing together. The initial and
correct response is of course intervening and not let them bath together.
That solves the problem right?
Well not exactly.
If the parents seek “control” and simply "stop" the behavior, they will forgo recognizing the children’s capacity to learn and to exercise agency. If the parents choose to develop a healthy relationship with the children and teach them “correct principles and they govern themselves” (See: Teach Them Correct Principles, by Boyd K. Packer) they might consider an alternative approach.
If the parents seek “control” and simply "stop" the behavior, they will forgo recognizing the children’s capacity to learn and to exercise agency. If the parents choose to develop a healthy relationship with the children and teach them “correct principles and they govern themselves” (See: Teach Them Correct Principles, by Boyd K. Packer) they might consider an alternative approach.
I coached the parents to help the young children develop self-reliance
by doing a few things. First, do not
allow them to bath together again until THE CHILDREN decide they are capable to
control their touching behavior. Second, the father (or mother) educates EACH
CHILD privately about the sacredness of the body and clearly instructs them
about “good and bad” touch. Third, the
father (or mother) expresses complete confidence to EACH CHILD privately in
his/her ability to control their future touching behaviors. Fourth, the father (or mother) follows-up with EACH
CHILD privately every few days on how that specific child is doing in
developing confidence in controlling his/her touching behavior. During this time
the parents continue to encourage, educate and express faith. Fifth, assuming the parents' impression is agreeable, allow
the children to bath together alone at least one or two times. Of course this
is done with a door open, occasional monitoring and post bathing interviews. Finally, do
not let the children bath together. They're probably getting to old.
Using this approach, imagine the tremendous learning that occurs with these
children as they learn to control their touching behavior and they are given with an expression of confidence an
opportunity to succeed (or fail).
The importance of
this lesson for future teenage years are easily seen.
An eternal principle
An eternal principle
If parents hold on to ALL decision-making power and see it as their ‘right’ they severely limit the growth and development of their children.dr rick
Larry Y. Wilson “Only upon the Principles of Righteousness.”
